I read a journal a few minutes ago that really got me thinking. I've become a pro at hiding my true feelings, I always act as if I'm in a really good mood, or a really bad one, when in all actuality, I'm typically right down the middle...never REALLY happy or sad, but just, blah, I guess. I tend to let others dictate how I feel, especially those I love...if some makes me mad at them, the I'm "mad" at everyone, and that goes with every other emotion. I guess that's it, I am based on emotions. I think a lot of it has to do with what has been dealt to me life, I been through more things than most people twice my age. I was forced to mature very early, I said, “no,” but I was young, small, and helpless, there was nothing I could do. – I couldn’t tell anyone, no one would believe me…so I didn’t, I held it inside for nearly 10 years before breaking down, and not a single day goes by that I am not haunted by flashbacks. I was raised in a family where the only way to be heard was to yell or scream, my parents fought constantly, I was never the “pretty girl,” there was always something “wrong” with me…gap in-between my two front teeth, glasses, overweight, short, lived on the wrong side of town, and the list could go on and on. I also had the pressure of dealing with constantly being compared to my brother…he’s so smart, handsome, athletic, has a new BEAUTIFUL girlfriend every week, etc. – If they only knew what I knew. And then there was me, I could sing…that was the only thing I was good at, I tried to play sports (did ok at tennis), try my hardest at school when I was younger and it got me B’s, a few A’s, and a C every now a then, which I really believe is the reason I am the way I am now, in college…I’m NOT an overachiever…I am NOT an A student, I just can’t do it. And yes, I’d LOVE to have a boyfriend that I could go on dates with, hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc…but no one’s interested…I’m ok with that, because as I’ve always said, I’ll be perfectly ok if I never get married or have a family, but it would be nice.
I remember being so angry with God when I was little, for making me the way I was…NOT perfect, not even close! I guess, in a way, I still am angry with Him, but I really don’t want to be. I hate that I can’t go to church without feeling like I don’t belong. I used to be a leader in the youth group, the kids looked up to me, I graduated high school, and went on to college and appeared “happy.” Now I’m the girl that used to sing on the praise team, used to be so excited to be at church, and the girl that everyone loved. I mean, I know that the people I was/am close with at my church still love me, but it’s not the same…I’ve pushed them away. I used to tell them everything, whether it was good or bad…I loved the praise I got when I did something right, and was thankful for the scolding (not physical) when I didn’t something wrong…they kept my on track. Now, I tell them nothing…they always ask how I’m doing, and I respond with the same thing every time, “I’m good, busy, but good.” I’m NEVER good, especially in the last 6-12 months…something caught me off guard the other day, I was asked if I was depressed…I quickly responded with a NO, but I’m afraid I’m on the road there…I’m not there yet, but it’s quickly approaching…
I’ve GOT to find a way to get out of this funk (for lack of a better word) that I’m in. I’ve always been EXTREMELY emotional, and I take EVERYTHING to heart…it’s got to stop. Not everything is meant to be taken so seriously…and just because I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love me…I know she does, it’s just hurts. – Yeah, totally off subject, but I had to get it out.
So, I’m asking you to do me a favor…yes, all of you…please help keep me positive. If you notice that I’m getting grouchy or being negative, stop me…tell me that I asked you to step in and knock some sense into me. I may get mad at you, but don’t take it personally…I do love you…each of you. And, I look up to each of you with the highest respect…you are all someone I’d love to be!
Current Music: Wild Horses - Natasha Bedingfield